this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
