i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
