When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
