Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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