I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
