If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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