I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
