Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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