Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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