fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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