You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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