im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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