I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
