I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
