I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize