saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You smell like stripper and shame
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
