Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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