You really coming over, don't trick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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