I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
