Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
