she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
