he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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