I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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