I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
