Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
