My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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