One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
