It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
