alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh god it's open bar.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
