dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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