Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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