Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
