I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
