I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
