what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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