i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
