Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My bed is full of blood and feathers
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
