Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
