Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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