I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
