Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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