I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
