i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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