This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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