she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
