SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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