I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
