you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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