Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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