Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize