I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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