two words: eviction party
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
