If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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