My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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