Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
