I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
