I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
