I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
